After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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