If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
