the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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