a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
