I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I am mentally ready for anal.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
