are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
