Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There's always time for handjobs
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
