How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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