You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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