i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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