I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
