Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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