I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
