But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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