Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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