He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
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