did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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