you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
