A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
