Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
