I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
