i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
