Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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