I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
