I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
