you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
