Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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