if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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