My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
