happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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