someone threw a dead crab at me
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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