I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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