yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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