Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
they're like a gay fantastic four
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
what the fuck happened to the tacos
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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