Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
