you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize