Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
