They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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