I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
