He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He has the fingertips of a God
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