I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
