Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
