I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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