I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
