that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
