I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
