hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
