I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
