i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
