I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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