How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't deserve a penis
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
