I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
