Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
