i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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