so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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