Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
