Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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