He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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