Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
