Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize