The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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